I am SO DOOMED

[annathepiper]

Last night kathrynt and llachglin came over to play poker with spazzkat and solarbird, which was highly enjoyable for the socialness in general and for amusing quotes of the evening in particular.

I'd come to the table to look over Dara's shoulder as she was lamenting about her cards, and I offered to hit something with hammers for her. Q was lamenting about the resurgence of her TMJ problems, and said that I could hit the sore spots on her head with hammers. Erik asked her about the wisdom of this, to which she replied, "If she hits them really hard, maybe it'll hurt less than you touching them really gently!"

Naturally, I had to call her on that one. "Nice logic there, Q!" She blinked and then burst out laughing.

Later we were hanging out in the darkened living room, since Q was also having issues with being hypersensitive to light, and she said to me, "I want fudge!"

"Damn," I replied, as the desire for warm fresh fudge dominated my thoughts. "We have no fudge!"

Full of sympathy, Kathryn asked, "Where can we get fudge?"

"We'd have to leave the house," I pointed out.

"Not if we got on the Internet and went to 24hourfudgedelivery.com and it wasn't a porn site!" she chirpily replied.

I was dubious that such a thing existed on our Internet, and further lamented, "Stupid no 24-hour non-porn fudge delivery!"

Q burst out giggling at that, too, and said, "Congratulations! I don't think I've ever heard those words in that order before!"

"And that," I said, "is why I am a writer."

Paul trumped me, though, when he and Dara and Erik looked over at us from the table and demanded to know what we were giggling about. When we explained, Paul cried, "But I wanted PORN FUDGE!"

The merriment continued as, when Kathryn and Erik were on their way out the door, Kathryn got into a debate with Paul about which was worse: the 'Sci-Fi Channel original' Alien Express, which Q has on her Tivo, and On Deadly Ground, the theatrical run of which was described by Paul as 'so bad that it sucked the quality out of movies in adjacent theaters'. Q and Paul were both absolutely adamant about their contenders, so there seemed to be only one thing to do:

Volunteer to be the independent judge in a "bad movie"-off.

I figure, what the hell. I have nothing else to do this week after Surgery Day, and moreover, I'm going to be on Percocet anyway! And I shall have Q's charming company, not to mention backup for mocking the hell out of both of these productions.

But I have my worries that not even Percocet will be able to dull the pain of back-to-back Lou Diamond Phillips and Steven Seagal.

I am SO DOOMED.

Comments

[mizkit.livejournal.com]

On Deadly Ground is *incredibly* bad. Paul is correct in his summation of it. I haven't seen the other, though, so I can't say which is worse. I'd say ODG, simply because Lou Diamond Phillips is more fun to look at than Steven Seagal. :)

[annathepiper]

I have not yet seen either, so I must reserve judgement!

Though I sat through Event Horizon, so I have pretty high bad movie stamina, Paul says of that, "Event Horizon was merely the SECOND worst film every made."

I'm DOOMED.

[mizkit.livejournal.com]

The awful thing about Event Horizon was I thought I was going to a SF flick and it turned out to be a horror movie. Any actual badness of the movie itself was completely overwhelmed by my utter misery at being at a horror movie with no real way to escape it.

My favorite bit of On Deadly Ground is where the Tlingit or Hai'da or whatever she is, Native Alaskan, anyway, heroine leaps on a horse and says, "Of course I can ride, I'm Native American."

Because, you know, we have SO MANY horses native to Alaska.

You're DOOMED. :)

[annathepiper]

And a bad horror movie at that. All they knew how to do was the "cheap thrill" scare where they try to shock the audience with a loud noise and a bright light--and completely over-the-top levels of gratuitous gore. Ugh.

And thank you for only underscoring my doomed-ness! ;)

[framlingem.livejournal.com]

Bet you I can recommend a film worse than either of those two!

[annathepiper]

Paul says that if you haven't seen On Deadly Ground, you haven't yet seen the worst movie ever made.

Me, I am reserving judgement till I actually see the films. ;)

[framlingem.livejournal.com]

Ask Paul if he has seen Piranha 2: The Spawning.

Rubber fish. Flying ones.

*nodnod*

[annathepiper]

Paul says he has in fact seen that film, and is absolutely adamant that it doesn't even come close.

He reminds me that he is in fact one half of the Murkworks Media Twins, and has seen quite a lot of crappy movies.

[framlingem.livejournal.com]

Worse?

I think I need to go into the closet to curl up in a foetal position now.

[annathepiper]

Of course, I haven't seen Piranha 2: The Spawning either, but Paul's media fu is way past mine, so I'll have to defer to him on this!

But when it comes to the two movies in the "bad movie"-off, I will of course be posting all about it later! ;)

[kathrynt.livejournal.com]

I've got it dumped to tape now. you're going to be really aghast.

[annathepiper]

Bring it!

[kathrynt.livejournal.com]

In the sense of BRING IT ON, or in the sense of "drop it by" ?

[annathepiper]

*giggle* I meant the former! Bring the latter by whenever you like, though not tonight. We're doing BSG and Lost tonight!

[mizkit.livejournal.com]

Have you, on the topic of Lou Diamond Phillips and bad movies, seen Absolon? It's got Lou Diamond Phillips, Christopher Lambert, *and* Ron Perlman. We saw it in the video store and said, "Oh, wow, *this* can't be good," and immediately checked it out.

We were so right. :)

[annathepiper]

Oh MAN, that sounds terrible just from the cast lineup indeed. Mercifully, I have not been subjected to this film.

[smeehrrr.livejournal.com]

Paul wins. Save yourself.

[annathepiper]

Somehow Paul knew you were going to say that. ;)

[smeehrrr.livejournal.com]

The last twenty minutes of On Deadly Ground are a Steven Seagal monologue about the environment, intercut with stock footage of eagles flying around.

It was the longest twenty minutes of my entire life.

[annathepiper]

Paul mentioned that, though he said it was fifteen!

I'll have to schedule this to time with a Percocet dose, clearly. ;)

[smeehrrr.livejournal.com]

If you're going to take drugs while watching this film, I'd recommend heroin. Preferably a lethal overdose.

[annathepiper]

I think the remote control's off switch will be a cheaper and less lethal escape method. ;)

[smeehrrr.livejournal.com]

Speaking of escape, No Escape is another really awful film.

[annathepiper]

Fortunately, I don't have to watch that one.

As of this writing, I am now in the middle of the bad-movie-off. It's a close damn call, I have to say!

[smeehrrr.livejournal.com]

You know what would be cool? If you watched them simultaneously, side-by-side on two screens.

[annathepiper]

Ow!

[ravyngyngvar.livejournal.com]

I have to ask: Is the satisfaction of finding the #1 worst film ever > the pain & the ' & the $ of research? You'll just stay sit and put on £ while your brain turns µ until you break some § and is put behind |s.

[annathepiper]

*eyes that sentence* Okay, I only made out most of that and I'm not even on the Percocet yet. I blame the 58.5 hour week last week, which turned my brain into mush. ;)

But to address the bits I made out:

HAH, I actually lost weight after surgery last year. The trick will be actually keeping it off. Plus, it'll be fun to see what having no more thyroid to speak of will do to my poundage!

And you seem to be assuming there will be any cost to this research. Q already dumped one movie off her Tivo onto tape, and we just have to get the other. We will just have to hit up Meems for a rental from Scarecrow! She can get movies for us free. ^_^

[ravyngyngvar.livejournal.com]

Hi, I'm really tired. Can you tell?

I admit that I was really reaching with some of those.

[ravyngyngvar.livejournal.com]

O yeah, I was not referring to your *present* weight. I was just predicting what would happen if you spent all your days on the couch watching the worst movies you could find.

Geez. Insomnia again.

[annathepiper]

Ah, but #1, most of my time is not going to the worst movies I can find. Just those two I mentioned in the original post on this thread. ;) Most of what I expect to spend my time on is going to be reading, and episodes of Remington Steele, now that I've bought that boxed set.

And I know you weren't referring to my present weight. However, my weight is still likely to plummet over the next week just because #1, system shock of surgery, and #2, I just won't be able to eat much! Difficult to gain weight when all you can eat is soup. :)

[annathepiper]

*patpat* Happens to the best of us! Get some sleep. :)

[kissare.livejournal.com]

I have no porn fudge, but I do have some non-porn brownies... would those suffice?

Good luck in the quest for the Worst Movie Ever Produced!

[annathepiper]

Mmmmmmmmm brownies!

I can't have any such goodness tonight, though! And after surgery, probably not for several days. Sniffle. They would certainly qualify as soft and chewy food, but probably too sugary and rich!

[kissare.livejournal.com]

Aww. Well, maybe after you and your thyroid are all recuperated. ;)

[annathepiper]

Mmmmmmmm brownies!