Werewolves vs. Zompires: FIGHT!
Mar. 6th, 2009 09:18 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
annathepiperIn this corner, wearing bad denim and leather and spending most of its film time riding around on motorcycles, brought to us by ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
mojave_wolf: Werewolves on Wheels!
Werewolves on Wheels is in general an incoherent mess, and I wanted to punch everybody in the cast pretty much from the opening credits. The bikes are themselves mostly incoherent (ETA 3/7/09 9:42am: the bikers are incoherent, not the bikes, and I leave this as an exercise to the reader as to the coherence of your movie reporter when she wrote this originally), and seem to have nothing to do with themselves but ride around, get drunk and/or stoned, and fondle the two females in the group--who in turn have little to do in the movie other than flash their boobies. Oh wait, there's the one guy who's into reading Tarot cards! And who OHNOEZ foretells death by lightning on a tower for one of the wimmens! Or something like that. After that point it was a bit hard to tell, because all the rest of what you can get out of the movie is "bikers go to sekrit church, bikers meet evil Satan-worshipping werewolf monks, bikers are turned into werewolves, the end!"
Notable quotes from the peanut gallery during this movie:
risu: "Bikes must be hard for wolves to steer."
solarbird: "I'm pretty sure one of those guys turns into Muttley!"
Me: "Oh hey, the monks have lembas bread!"
And also, in general, what was the point of Lucifer staging a hostile takeover of the Hell's Angels? Doesn't he already own them?
Meanwhile, in this corner, wearing Matrix-knockoff black leather and spending most of its film time lumbering into battle, brought to us bygamera_spinning, it's Steven Seagal in Against the Dark!
I knew this one was going to hurt when, in the godawful prologue explaining the setting to us, the movie felt it necessary to define the word "infect" to its audience. (risu then called it to task for not defining "dark".) But really, what set the whole pace for us was Mr. Seagal's opening line: "We're not here to decide who's right or wrong. We're here to decide who lives or dies!"
Nice of him to call that out. It must also be said that with dialogue like "It means we're the monsters now" and "The thing about luck is you never know when it's going to run out", this movie was not at all an improvement over the incoherence of its challenger.
But really, what pushes this movie over the top is that Seagal isn't even trying. He does literally just lumber into what few fight scenes he has--for a Seagal movie, this has surprisingly little Seagal in it--and then when he actually engages one of the monsters, he makes a few slashy motions with the sword he's carrying around while the camera lingers on his face. Let us not even get into the cheesy musical strike when he finally introduces himself to the little girl he's just rescued. At least in On Deadly Ground, he was moving. And I say that as someone who is haunted by the Slappy Hands TO THIS DAY.
So: this round goes to Against the Dark. Next up: Frogs vs. The Stuff!
mojave_wolf: Werewolves on Wheels!Werewolves on Wheels is in general an incoherent mess, and I wanted to punch everybody in the cast pretty much from the opening credits. The bikes are themselves mostly incoherent (ETA 3/7/09 9:42am: the bikers are incoherent, not the bikes, and I leave this as an exercise to the reader as to the coherence of your movie reporter when she wrote this originally), and seem to have nothing to do with themselves but ride around, get drunk and/or stoned, and fondle the two females in the group--who in turn have little to do in the movie other than flash their boobies. Oh wait, there's the one guy who's into reading Tarot cards! And who OHNOEZ foretells death by lightning on a tower for one of the wimmens! Or something like that. After that point it was a bit hard to tell, because all the rest of what you can get out of the movie is "bikers go to sekrit church, bikers meet evil Satan-worshipping werewolf monks, bikers are turned into werewolves, the end!"
Notable quotes from the peanut gallery during this movie:
risu: "Bikes must be hard for wolves to steer."solarbird: "I'm pretty sure one of those guys turns into Muttley!"Me: "Oh hey, the monks have lembas bread!"
And also, in general, what was the point of Lucifer staging a hostile takeover of the Hell's Angels? Doesn't he already own them?
Meanwhile, in this corner, wearing Matrix-knockoff black leather and spending most of its film time lumbering into battle, brought to us by
gamera_spinning, it's Steven Seagal in Against the Dark!I knew this one was going to hurt when, in the godawful prologue explaining the setting to us, the movie felt it necessary to define the word "infect" to its audience. (
risu then called it to task for not defining "dark".) But really, what set the whole pace for us was Mr. Seagal's opening line: "We're not here to decide who's right or wrong. We're here to decide who lives or dies!"Nice of him to call that out. It must also be said that with dialogue like "It means we're the monsters now" and "The thing about luck is you never know when it's going to run out", this movie was not at all an improvement over the incoherence of its challenger.
But really, what pushes this movie over the top is that Seagal isn't even trying. He does literally just lumber into what few fight scenes he has--for a Seagal movie, this has surprisingly little Seagal in it--and then when he actually engages one of the monsters, he makes a few slashy motions with the sword he's carrying around while the camera lingers on his face. Let us not even get into the cheesy musical strike when he finally introduces himself to the little girl he's just rescued. At least in On Deadly Ground, he was moving. And I say that as someone who is haunted by the Slappy Hands TO THIS DAY.
So: this round goes to Against the Dark. Next up: Frogs vs. The Stuff!
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
oh noez, mine lostes!
Date: 2009-03-07 06:17 am (UTC)&
while confessing I haven't watched WoW since our brief stay in DC in the 90s, what about it that I shall never, ever forget (somehow, I managed to forget the breast flashing & fondling, which mildly disturbs me) & what I was sure would give it the edge -- the opening credits, which at least in my memory is about 20 minutes of nothing but bike wheels and pavement and a very repetitive score. And then I think it closes the same way?
Have fun w/the others! I haven't seen Frogs since I was a little kid, when I found both it and "night of the lepus" quite fun & scary. =)
night of the lepus
Date: 2009-03-07 06:19 am (UTC)hoppin' down the streeeeeeeet
they get the funniest looks froooooooom
everyone they eeeeeeeeeeat
hey hey, it's the bunnies!
Re: night of the lepus
Date: 2009-03-07 07:38 am (UTC)My poor little kid self was so shocked to discover the "Lepus" I had been imagining as so fearsome wuz GIANT OMNIVOROUS RABBITS!!!!
Re: night of the lepus
Date: 2009-03-07 11:04 pm (UTC)Starry Starry Night of the Lepus!
(brought to you by my crappy PhotoSlop skilz)
Re: night of the lepus
Date: 2009-03-07 11:11 pm (UTC)Just finished Frogs and am firing up The Stuff as we speak. This promises to suck.
Re: night of the lepus
Date: 2009-03-08 06:36 pm (UTC)Re: night of the lepus
Date: 2009-03-08 06:15 pm (UTC)It just seems needful.
Re: night of the lepus
Date: 2009-03-08 06:30 pm (UTC)Re: oh noez, mine lostes!
Date: 2009-03-07 09:49 pm (UTC)The opening credits were indeed a whole lot of riding around on bikes. The closing credits some of the same, although much, much shorter. Mercifully!
Frogs is going as we speak. Muahaha. BIG SKEERY FROGS!
And Night of the Lepus is great. We actually have most of that on tape, after an all-night monster movie marathon that we taped ages ago, although sadly we're missing the first 20 minutes. And this is one of the few movies you can't actually find to rent, last I looked!
no subject
Date: 2009-03-07 09:46 pm (UTC)Also, congrats on finishing a novel! Is this the first you've finished or do you have others?
no subject
Date: 2009-03-17 04:11 am (UTC)Also, congrats for finishing so many books! I've finished several stories myself, but only three novels since I've seriously started pursuing this; all the other things I finished were a) too short to be called proper novels, and b) written in my teenage years when I sucked. ;) But I do have my three and I respect the hell out of anyone who can stick with it and finish multiple ones. Good on ya.
no subject
Date: 2009-03-17 04:25 am (UTC)I've also toyed with making them available in PDF form for when I get
rich and famousmoderately well known and comfortably well offum okay well when I actually have a book available for sale. It may make somebody snerk. ;)no subject
Date: 2009-03-18 03:52 am (UTC)That's one thing I'm not terribly good at; I never have been much interested in writing sex scenes. I think I got biased against trying after 13 years of playing on MUSHes, and dealing with a lot of bad tinysex. ;)
Good for you for at least taking a stab at updating the old stuff! My teenage-era stuff would need a massive, massive overhaul to be saleable. I've liked doing the alternate route of heavily altering the events in them to be backstory for my later work, so it's all good. It'd be funny if I did sell this later thing and did eventually have to tell the stories I tried before; they'd come out a lot different now, though.
Are all your works fantasy, or are you experimenting with different genres? I've dabbled with urban and epic fantasy both as well as some light romantic SF.
no subject
Date: 2009-03-18 04:04 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-07 09:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-07 05:44 pm (UTC)Dear fellow Gamera fan
Date: 2009-03-08 06:20 pm (UTC)(Gamera and Godzilla were two of my most loved childhood heroes)
there was this black and white movie w/a giant robot, that I think was sort of gold-colored, that I really really loved (I remember this even though I remember little else about the movie), whose primary nemesis was this giant talking monster thingy composed of explosive nuclear gas or something; like, he would pull off fingernails and throw them and mountains would blow up. And at the end to keep the monster from blackmailing the world into servitude by threatening to blow himself up, the giant robot grabbed it and flew off into space w/it (and I think into the sun, killing them both?). Twas sad. Every now and then that movie pops into my head and it upsets me I can't remember more of it, because I do remember much loving it. Ring any bells?
The Power Rangers of it's day
Date: 2009-03-08 11:46 pm (UTC)The movie was called "Journey into Space" (aka "Johnny Sokko and his Flying Robot"). The movie was a compilation of plot elements of episodes from the Japanese TV series ("Jaianto Robo").
There are three entire episodes online here (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0170962/episodes) via Hulu.
Enjoy!
Re: The Power Rangers of it's day
Date: 2009-03-09 12:12 am (UTC)&
heh, I actually had the power-rangers precursor thought when writing that. I wonder if it *seemed* a lot better & deeper than PR to me because I was in single digits back then and not for the pr, or if it actually was better.
(I might try to download the eps, but I'm on dial-up so can't straight up watc them.
&
that guy in your icon is the chap from Godzilla vs. Megalon, right? (can't recall if he made it into any others)
no subject
Date: 2009-03-07 05:29 pm (UTC)Hmmmm, that's pretty bad, when your bike is incoherent. But at least they're not drunk! Bikes that can't talk clearly is one thing, bikes that are swerving all over the place is quite another. ;-)
no subject
Date: 2009-03-07 05:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-10 12:05 am (UTC)I love the dialog... it's like a parody of a 60's biker movie, only it's not. When the 'spiritual' biker dude starts talking about the 'vibes'? Priceless.
no subject
Date: 2009-03-10 06:53 pm (UTC)Dara says that she hadn't noticed any really funky color saturation bits in the DVD we were watching; as I recall, it seemed kind of washed out to me in bits, but not weirdly so. I suspect you may just have a lot of tape deterioration going on.
But oh my yes the dialogue in this one. Very MSTable. I'm halfway hoping that the Cinematic Titanic folks will pick it up!