The Great Movie Suckoff Marathon, Round 1: FIGHT!

[annathepiper]

The first round of the Great Movie Suckoff Marathon is now complete. Our contenders: the Sci-Fi Pictures Original movie Phantom Force vs. the theatrical release Ultraviolet. The former was so helpfully provided to me by kathrynt; the latter, recommended by waysofseeing. Well done, both of you, for offering up some deeply wretched fodder for this round of the competition.

And now, the verdict: Ultraviolet!

I thought at first it was going to be a difficult choice. Phantom Force after all had some godawful acting, including delightfully wretched accents, and incoherent splicing of disparate plot elements into one big mess of a movie. It also had Richard Grieco as the male lead. I am informed by the aforementioned Kathryn that he was the "other guy in 21 Jump Street, the one who wasn't Johnny Depp". (To this I must add that yeah, that's about right; Mr. Depp is both cuter and a way, way better actor. Sorry, Richard!) However, it is also worth noting that in one respect this movie did actually surprise me--because it killed off the perky blonde chick who liked Grieco's character, and even more amazingly, the black chick survived the movie. And she got to contribute amusing voodoo mileage to one of the final fight scenes, too.

However, Ultraviolet beats it, hands down. As per the previous advice given, I did watch the 88-minute theatrical cut for maximum amusement value--and oh my yes that was wretched. solarbird and I knew we were in trouble when our heroine delivers this voiceover at the beginning that somehow managed to be both soporific and vomit-inducing. Not long thereafter, once we got into the first fight scene, Dara let out with "Christian Dior, SUPER SPY!" I answered with, during the first of the many Dramatic Pauses in the middle of the many fight scenes, "HI KEEBA!"

And honestly, the fight scenes were the best bits of the movie. It was pretty, I'll give it that, with this sort of eerie, dreamlike quality to the whole thing. The heroine's hair and outfit randomly changing colors was kind of cool, even if it was for no apparent reason. But not even her electric blue jacket could save her from the WANGST WANGST WANGST WANGST she fell into in between all the fight scenes.

For final giggle value, I realized that the bad guy in this movie was the same actor who played the extremely creepy fetishist guy in a second season X-Files episode I watched just last night--the episode "Irresistible", with the guy who kept cutting hair and fingernails off his victims and who eventually kidnapped Scully. His voice wasn't so creepy in this movie, but his face was familiar, and his voice did ping me just enough that after I confirmed it was him, I kept wanting to call "Is your hair normal or dry?" to the screen.

So, yeah. Ultraviolet wins this round hands down. But the fight ain't over yet, folks. Next up: Decoys 2: Alien Seduction vs. Incubus. With William Shatner. In Esperanto.

Comments

[firni.livejournal.com]

I HEARTILY disagree about Richard Grieco.

Yes, these days Depp wins, hands down.

But back in the 21 Hump Street days? No no no, Grieco was eminently humpable.

[annathepiper]

Hee! Well, you can duke it out with Q about the Jump Street days; I never watched the show, so I have no basis for a qualified opinion. ;)

[zeekar.livejournal.com]

Oh, my, you haven't seen Incubus (a.k.a. Inkubo) yet? Wow, are you in for a . . . uhm . . . "treat" seems like the wrong word . . . .

[annathepiper]

Har! No, I hadn't seen it yet, and on the strength of the recommendations in my previous post, I'd selected it as a contender in the Great Movie Suckoff Marathon!

I'm looking forward to this one. ^_^

[jesshartley.livejournal.com]

The kid who is the key to everything in Ultraviolet is also the kid who is the key to everything in X-Men 3 ("Magneto does SF") Which led us to no end of giggles about being typecast as... the kid who is the key to everything.

And we giggled about "manciples" for days.

It was such a very very bad movie.

[annathepiper]

Har! I didn't realize that kid was in X3 too. And oh my yes, so very, very, VERY bad. The other two pairs of contenders are going to have to work hard to beat out this thing. :)

[akadriver.livejournal.com]

I may have to scrounge a copy of Ultraviolet. It sounds quite suitable for our annual attempt to traumatize our friend Mike. He, of course, tries to traumatize us back. Sometimes we win (Incubus, natch.) Sometimes he wins (The Apple, a 1980 'musical' set in the 'future', e.g. 1994. A young couple enters the world of the music industry, but also the world of drugs. Reportedly, during its premiere at the Paramount Theater in Hollywood, audiences threw their free souvenir soundtracks at the screen, causing extensive damage.) And sometimes one or the other of us sorta wins. (One year he brought Sextette, Mae West's last film. I thought it was funny as hell. Ben was practically curled up and whimpering by the end of it.

Enjoy the traum...er, loveliness that is the Shatner in Esperanto. :)

[annathepiper]

Hee! Sounds like you and Mike have a lovely competition going on there.

And mamishka brought me Incubus this afternoon. This promises to bring the lulz.

[motherofpearl51.livejournal.com]

3 Movies I recommend for your suckfest are Lake Placid 2, Kaw and Frankenfish.
All were on the Sci-Fi Channel.

[annathepiper]

Way ahead of you on Kaw; we actually recorded that on the Tivo by way of recommendation of kathrynt! And I did in fact watch it, though it was not officially part of the Suckoff, since it didn't have an official contender.

I'll keep the other two in mind, though. Thanks! ^_^