More pitch practice!

[annathepiper]

Okay, yeah, fine, it's an amnesia plot. But I promise my amnesiac hero doesn't get that way by getting clonked on the head. This is going to be an SF novel, and like The Dove, the Rook, and the Hawk, it's pulling in a couple old MUSH characters of mine whose stories are still lingering unfinished in my head. I'll be retooling them for this novel. ;) (This is NOT the same story as the still-untitled novel set on the ocean world I was geeking about before; the notes for that are still in progress, too.)

Pitch practices, sentence and paragraph length, are behind the cut!


Sentence: An orphan joins forces with a smuggler to help him uncover the past he cannot remember--and to elude the shadowy forces bent on eradicating both his memory and his life.

Paragraph: The violent streets of the planet Khilann are no place for a young girl without home or kin, and the orphan Shenner is desperate to take any chance she can get to leave her homeworld. When she saves Tance Vokrim's life, she thinks her chance has come. Eagerly fleeing the past she'd rather forget, she bargains with the destitute smuggler for passage on his ramshackle ship--only to learn that Vokrim is haunted by a past he cannot remember. As Shen helps him begin to uncover what he's lost, her escape from Khilann turns into a search across the galaxy for secrets certain forces want kept buried. And soon she and Tance discover that the answers they seek could bring peace to a war-torn world... or cost them both their lives.

Comments

[fleetfootmike.livejournal.com]

Ooo.

I'd read that.

Very André Norton-ish (Moon Of Three Rings) names - which for me is very evocative of one of my favourite series.

[mamishka.livejournal.com]

Ow. Knowing the disparate places that those two characters come from, putting them together in the same story is hurting my brain. Poor Paul. So betrayed. ;)

[shikyrie.livejournal.com]

hmmm... tastes of adventure and action... with mud, seaweed, nut, bolts... and 57 chilis... :)

[terlan.livejournal.com]

O.O

Your command of language creates a strong interest in learning/reading more in me. If it doesn't do the same for a publisher, then that publisher needs his/her head checked. Seriously.

[annathepiper]

*chortles merrily* Hey, PAUL left SHEN, I might remind you. ;D

[annathepiper]

I get an "Ooo. I'd read that"? WHOOT! ^_^ That's a good sign for a book I haven't even written yet--here's hoping I can make it live up to the promise of the pitch!

I've read very little Andre Norton, but just enough to take that as a compliment, too! Thank you!

[mizkit.livejournal.com]

Eagerly fleeing the past

I'd make that "Eager to flee the past"

only to learn that Vokrim is haunted by a past he cannot remember.

Mmmmaaybe, "Only to be warned that Vorkim is haunted by a past he cannot remember"? Or... I don't know, but if you can find a way to get around using "past" twice in two sentences, that'd be good.

*reads it again* I think I'd drop 'planet' from before Khilann, because planet is implied by leaving her homeworld. Also "the orphan" probably isn't necessary when you've just said "without home or kin". Um.

*fiddles more* :)

"The violent world of Khilann is no place for a young girl without home or kin, and Shenner is desperate for a chance to escape. When she saves smuggler Tance Vokrim's life, she bargains for passage on his ramshackle ship--only to find she's traded one sort of trouble for another. As Shen helps him begin to uncover a past he cannot remember, the new life she thought she'd build away from Khilann becomes a search across the galaxy for secrets better left buried. And soon she and Tance discover that the answers they seek could bring peace to a war-torn world... or cost them both their lives."

?

[shaylith.livejournal.com]

I kinda liked the first one better. ;) And heck yeah, sounds like a book I'd read! :) Neat names!

[sarekofvulcan.livejournal.com]

I like this one better, too, but damned if I can tell you why.

Nice meeting you last night: I just wish you had had your badge facing outward at the flyer stop. :-)

[kieri.livejournal.com]

...yes, but does Shen play the flute in this one? :)

[annathepiper]

LOL--maybe. ;) We'll have to see how the plot works out!

[annathepiper]

*snicker* I expect there will be abductions and scientists both in this plot, but very little pizza or bowling balls. ;)

[annathepiper]

*grin* The badge gets turned around at random throughout the course of my day, and my hat's a way easier way to tell me from a distance, anyway. Plenty of people around here have orange-bordered Microsoft badges, but so far, I've seen no one with a hat like mine!

And thanks for the feedback!

[annathepiper]

I was always rather fond of the ring of both 'Tance Vokrim' and 'Shenneret Veery' in my ear, though Shen always tended to get really snarky at anybody who used the full version of her name. ;) And both of them were very fun to play! (Though as Meems has posted, it's a little brain-hurty to throw them into the same story, since originally they come from two totally different MUSH environments... so it'll be almost as big a brain-hurty as throwing Julian and Faanshi from Aether into the same story, too. ;) )

[annathepiper]

Gosh, thanks. ^_^ As I said to fleetfootmike, here's hoping that the actual story lives up to the promise of this nugget of an idea! It'll take me a while to get the notes organized--I've got Faerie Blood to finish editing, and Lament of the Dove to finish writing, first!

But this is striking me as a dandy start.

[annathepiper]

Hrmm. Yep, planning on adventure and action in there. Very likely there will be mud, and at least on board Tance's ship, nuts and bolts. Not so sure about the seaweed or the chilis, though. ;)

[sarekofvulcan.livejournal.com]

Actually, I'm glad you badge flipped, because I was going to post a message saying "Hey, was that you with the... umm... umm... umm... hat?" :-)

[sarekofvulcan.livejournal.com]

Ooh, bowling balls! Maybe we should have an Anna's-LJ get-together at Kenmore Lanes sometime? :-)

[sarekofvulcan.livejournal.com]

/me looks confusedly at the timestamp on his post. "Gee, guess that build took longer than I thought..."

[shikyrie.livejournal.com]

lol... i got that from watching the Presentators shorts on nicktoons... I gotta stay away from posting when i'm overly tired lol

[annathepiper]

That never stops anybody else who posts to Livejournal. :)

[shikyrie.livejournal.com]

lol... true... so true

[annathepiper]

Heh! And I would have said, "Probably! What kind of hat?" ;) (I actually have several of these hats, all of the same general style, but different colors and fabrics. I get them from the Hatterdashery, and I love them so, I do. ^_^ I've just been wearing the red and blue and green and purple one a lot because it goes better with the stuff I'm more likely to wear this time of year.)

[annathepiper]

Bowling is good. ^_^ I've gone a couple of times with other local friends to Leilani Lanes, which we really liked--they have most excellent French Dip sandwiches there! But we haven't been to Kenmore Lanes yet.

Last year spazzkat had a bowling party for his birthday, albeit much belated. Perhaps we will do something like that again this year, either for his birthday or mine!

[annathepiper]

The timestamps on comments are apparently just Like That. They reflect the timestamp of the server that actually processed the comment, I think. Something like that, anyway. I've read about it in the LJ FAQ. :)

[sarekofvulcan.livejournal.com]

French dip? I'm so there....

[annathepiper]

I'll let you know next time we arrange an outing. :)